Talking About Communicating About Sharing Ideas And Such

I am fascinated by the concept of communication; the idea of one person sending a message and another person receiving that same message. The amount of knowledge and understanding required for even a simple exchange is staggering if you really think about it, and it’s something that most of us just do without much thought.

However, I don’t think we’re very good at it. That isn’t to say that we don’t have the knowledge, ability, or technology. We have all of those things. I just don’t think many of us are taught much beyond the very basics to get through life, and there’s an awful lot that gets missed in those lessons.

I want to share a few things I noticed that (I think) have improved my ability to communicate effectively with others.

First, we need to be on the same page about a few definitions.

Communicate = to share, send, or receive information.
Entity = an individual with the ability to communicate.
Sender = the entity sending information.
Receiver = the entity receiving information.
Effective communication = the sender and receiver have the same understanding of the shared information.
Translate/Translation = the original message is altered to allow effective communication.

I won’t be able to cover very much in a single post, but want to briefly go over the following:

Language
Method
Tone

I expect that most or all of this will seem very obvious, but how often do you really think about any of it? How many tense discussions or arguments could have been improved if one or more of these things had occurred to you at the time?

Language

Which words are we using, and how are we using them?

What language is being used?
- I communicate almost exclusively in English. If I want to communicate with someone who doesn’t understand English, we’ll have to either translate or find a way to communicate that doesn’t involve words.
What dialect is being used? This can mean geographic location, age, social class, ethnicity, or other social groups. Here are some personal examples. To me:
- a brimless knitted cap is a toque.
- “out of pocket” means money spent from one’s own funds.
- Something being skookum is excellent.
Is there a mutual understanding of important words and phrases?
- If I say that I love you, what do I mean by that? Am I in love with you? Am I using a colloquialism, humourously exaggerating the fact that I appreciate something that you said?
- I find a lot of miscommunication occurs here. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought I disagree with someone, only to find that we actually agree and are unknowingly working with different definitions of shared words.

Method

By which method are we communicating?

Even though we’re speaking the same language with each method, we have to translate what we’re saying so that communication remains effective through different methods. In my personal experience, it is easy to do this poorly.

Effective communication takes as much as possible into consideration while processing information. You will notice things subconsciously anyway, but paying attention will help you notice more consciously.

Here are some examples of different communication methods:

Speaking in person:
- If you’re standing in front of me, I get a lot more than just your words.
  - I can see your facial expressions.
  - I can see your physical movements and gestures.
  - I can hear your tone.
  - I can see how you are reacting to what you are saying and doing as you are saying and doing it.
  - I can use my senses to help better understand context, such as smell and touch.
Speaking over the phone:
- A lot is lost when we have voice-only communication.
  - I can’t see you anymore. The visual parts of you and your environment aren’t there for me to interpret.
  - My hearing isn’t great, so it will be extra easy for me to miss many small details that I might catch in person.
  - I can’t smell or touch anything that might help.
- To ensure communication remains effective, we must make up for the losses as best as we can through translation. We need to shift our focus almost entirely to language and tone of voice.
  - Maybe we’ll choose different words, or increase emphasis on certain things we say, or both.
  - If we would normally use a hand gesture at a specific point, for example, we need to figure out how to convey the message in that gesture while the receiver cannot see us.
Text-based: Texting, emails, letter writing, etc:
- We lose even more when switching to text-based communication.
  - Now we can’t hear each other’s voices, or even background noise that may provide additional context.
  - All we have left is what the sender chooses to write down for us to interpret. It is delayed. We can’t see, hear, taste, feel, or smell anything other than what they choose to share.
- This communication is much more controllable by the involved entities. There aren’t any accidental noises, no interpreting the other’s initial reaction to anything.
- Further translation is needed to ensure effective communication. This can include using different words, using symbols like emojis to express something more visually, or pausing to ask if your interpretation of the sender’s meaning is accurate.

Tone

What is our attitude about the subject? How do we feel about it?

Tone is used to express how we feel (or don’t feel) about the message we are sending. Tone can be expressed through different methods of communication:

Voice: pitch, volume, inflection
Language (speaking): word choice, emphasis, pauses
Physical gestures: hand and other physical gestures or movements, facial expressions
In writing: sentence structure, punctuation, descriptive language

Keeping these things in mind will help you communicate more effectively with others, I hope. So will being aware of your goals. What are you trying to achieve?

Are you trying to convey facts?
Are you trying to make someone laugh?
Are you trying to deceive someone?
Are you trying to explain how you feel?
Are you trying to convince someone of something?

Once you understand your goal, you can better understand how to manage your responsibilities, because as unjust as this may seem, there are responsibilities for both the sender and receiver at all times.

As the sender, you are generally responsible for sending a message that will be received as you intended.
As the receiver, you are generally responsible for receiving the message as the sender intended.

A question I’ve heard a lot throughout my life is about the responsibility of a joke that falls flat. If a person makes a joke that they believe is funny and another person is offended, is the joke funny or offensive? I think that’s a silly question for a bunch of reasons, but for right now:

What were the intentions of the sender?
- Do they truly believe the joke is inoffensive?
- Did they reasonably consider how the receiver may interpret the joke?
- Did they intend to offend the receiver with plausible deniability, or were they trying to make the receiver laugh?
What were the intentions of the receiver?
- Do they truly believe the joke is offensive?
- Did they reasonably consider how the sender interpreted the joke?
- Do they intend to gain something from a disingenuous response?

I don’t think finding fault is a productive way to improve communication for the most part, but if you are determined to do so, maybe that will help.

I think that’s about all I’ve got to say today, but I’ll come back to this later. I may not know much about this vast and wonderful subject, but I’ve got quite a few rabbit holes to explore with anyone who’d like to come along.

Until next time,

Bea